Second Grade Blues
Murphy: Oh, I'm so lonely,
Since my baby left me.
I got no money,
And nothing is free.
Oh, I've been so alone
Since the day I was born.
All I got is this rusty,
This rusty old horn.
Lisa: I got a bratty brother.
He bugs me everyday.
And this morning my own mother,
Gave my last cupcake away.
My Dad acts like he belongs,
He belongs in the zoo.
I'm the sa-a-a-addest kid,
In gra-a-a-de number two.
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
All: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glows.
Bart: Like a light bulb!
Homer: Bart!
All: All of the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names.
Lisa: Like Schnozzola!
Homer: Lisa!
All: They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any reindeer games.
Bart: Like strip poker!
Homer: I'm warning you two!
All: Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
Marge: Take it Homer!
Homer: Err... Rudolph, get your nose over here,
So you can guide my sleigh... today.
Grampa: Oh, Homer...
All: Then all the reindeer loved him,
And they shouted out with glee:
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
You'll go down in history!
Bart: Like Attila the H- ugh, urk!
Homer: You little... grrrr!
Capital City
(version sung as OFF enters Capital City:)
(lines by members of OFF are spoken, not sung; Tony's line "Hey,
good to see you" is also spoken.)
Homer: Well, kids, there it is! Capital City!
Marge: Look, the Cross-Town Bridge!
(begin vamp)
Bart: Wow!
Homer: Wow.
Tony Bennett: There's a swingin' town I know called... Capital
City.
Lisa: The Penny Loafer!
Tony: People stop and scream hello in... Capital City.
Homer: Kids, look! Street crime!
Tony: It's the kind of place that makes a bum feel like
a king.
Homer: Wow, that's service!
Tony: And it makes a king feel like some nutty, cuckoo,
super-king.
Marge: Look, it's Tony Bennett!
Tony: Hey, good to see you.
It's against the law to frown in... Capital City.
You'll caper like a stupid clown when you chance
to see...
Marge: Fourth Street and 'D'!
Tony: Fourth Street and 'D'! Yeah!
Once you get a whiff of it, you'll never want to
roam.
Homer: The Duff brewery!
Tony: Capital City, my home sweet, yeah!
Capital City, that happy-tal city,
It's Capital City,
my home sweet swingin' home!
All: Capital City! Yeah!
The Itchy and Scratchy Show theme song
They fight! And bite!
They fight and bite and fight!
Fight fight fight! Bite bite bite!
The Itchy and Scratchy Show!
The Itchy and Scratchy Show theme song(Marges Nice Campaign)
They love! They share!
They share and love and share!
Love, love, love!
Share, share, share!
The Itchy and Scratchy Show!
Itchy and Scratchy Show Closing credits
They fought! and bit!
They fought and bit and fought!
Fought, fought, fought!
Bit, bit, bit!
The Itchy and Scratchy Show!
When the Saints Go Over There
Homer: Oh, I want to be in that rumba,
When the saints go over there.
Oh over there! Oh over there!
Mt. Splashmore
Krusty and Kids: I want to go to Mt. Splashmore,
Take me, take me, take me, take me now!
Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
Mt. Splashmore, take me there right now!
Michael's Lullabye for Homer
Michael: Homer, the two of us need look no more.
We both found what we are lookin' for.
With a friend to call my own, I'll never be alone,
And you, my friend, will see, you've got a friend
in me.
Bart's Birthday Song for Lisa
Bart: [to the tune of the Colonel Bogey March]
Lisa, her teeth are big and green.
Lisa, she smells like gasoline.
Lisa, da da da Disa.
She is my sister, her birthday, I missed-a.
The Deficit Rag
The deficit rag, oh yeah the deficit rag,
Those budget gaps can be a twelve-digit drag,
I'm telling ya, that's the deficit,
They really made a mess of it,
That's the deficit rag!
The Trading Gap Shuffle
The trading gap shuffle,
We're in a heap of trouble,
Doin' the trading gap shuffle, yes sir!
Lisa S.
Say let me tell you about Lisa S.
She's that little eight-year old muckrakeress,
She caught a crook and she made him pay,
And she did it all in just one day!
That's what I would call,
Bein' on the ball!
The Krusty The Klown Show Closing Credits
Krusty: We've had lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fun,
But now the time has come, to go;
If this old clown was found dead in his bed,
Tomorrow, I'd be in Heaven, still doing this show!
Flaming Moe's
(the lines in brackets are sung in the background)
When the weight of the world has got you down
And you want to end your life,
Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
And problems with the wife.
But don't throw in the tow'l,
'Cuz there's a place right down the block...
Where you can drink your misery away...
At Flaming Moe's.... (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
When liquor in a mug (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
Can warm you like a hug.
(Flaming Moe's...)
And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
We're Sending Our Love Down the Well
(the singers are Troy McClure, Scott Christian, The Channel 6
weather girl (Kent Brockman's girlfriend), Bleeding Gums
Murphy, Diamond Joe Quimby, Krusty the Klown, Princess
Cashmere, Sting, Sideshow Mel, Rainier Wolfcastle (AKA McBain),
Dr. Marvin Monroe, Captain Lance Murdoch, The Capital City
Goofball.)
Sting: There's a hole in my heart
As deep as a well
For that poor little boy,
Who's stuck halfway to Hell...
Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out,
We'll do the next best thing...
McBain: We go on TV
And sing, sing, sing!
All: And we're sending our love down the well...
Krusty: All the way down!
All: We're sending our love down the well...
Krusty: Down that well!
Janey's Skipping Song
Janey: One plus one plus three is five,
Little Bart Simpson's buried alive!
He's so neat, he's so sweet.
Now the rats have Bart to eat!
How many days until Bart croaks?
One, two, three, four, ...
Talkin' Softball
Well Mr. Burns had done it,
The power plant had won it,
With Roger Clemens clucking all the while,
Mike Scioscia's tragic illness made us smile,
While Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile...
We're talkin' softball...
>From Maine to San Diego.
Talkin' softball...
Mattingly and Canseco.
Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw.
Steve Sax and his run-in with the law.
We're talkin' Homer... Ozzie and the Straw.
We're talkin' softball...
>From Maine to San Diego.
Talkin' softball...
Mattingly and Canseco.
Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw.
Steve Sax and his run-in with the law.
We're talkin' Homer... Ozzie and the Straw.
Homer's Lullaby for Maggie
Homer: Go to sleep...
And good night...
La-la la la la la la...
Dee-dee-dee...
Dee-dee-dee...
May your Christmas Days be bright!
You're a Dame and I'm a Fella
Ned/Stanley: You're a dame and I'm a fella.
Marge/Blanche: Stanley, stop, or I'll tell Stella.
Ned/Stanley: All I want is one embrace.
Marge/Blanche: I'll twist this bottle in your face.
New Orleans
Wiggum: Long before the SuperDome,
Where the Saints of football play,
Lived a city that the damned called home,
Hear their hellish roundelay...
Cast: New Orleeeans...
Home of pirates, drunks, and whores!
New Orleeeans...
Tacky, overpriced, souvenir stores!
If you want to go to Hell, you should make that trip
to the Sodom and Gomorrah on the Mississipp'!
New Orleeeans...
Stinking, rotten, vomiting, vile!
New Orleaaans...
Putrid, brackish, maggoty, foul!
New Orleeeans...
Crummy, lousy, rancid, and rank!
New Orleeeans!
Just a Simple Paperboy
Apu/Steve: I am just a simple paperboy,
No romance do I seek...
I just wanted forty cents,
For my deliveries last week...
Will this bewitching floozy,
Seduce this humble newsie?
Oh, what's a paperboy to...
Dooo?
Stella!
Ned/Stanley: STELLLAAAA! STELLLAAAA!
Can't you hear me yella!
You're puttin' me through Hella!
Stella... STELLLAAAA!
The Kindness of Strangers
Marge/Blanche: Whoever you are, I have always depended on the
kindness of strangers...
(music begins)
Cast: You can always depend on the kindness of
strangers...
To pluck up your spirits, and shield you from
dangers...
Marge/Blanche: Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't
regret...
Cast: A stranger's just a friend you haven't met...
You haven't met...
STREETCAR!
Your Wife Don't Understand You, but I Do
Lurleen: You work all day, for some old man,
Sweat and break your back,
Then you go home to your castle,
But your queen won't cut you slack.
That's why you're losin' all your hair,
That's why you're overweight,
That's why you flipped your pickup truck
Right off the interstate.
There's a lot of bull they hand you,
There's nothin' you can do,
Your wife don't understand you, but I do,
I said your wife don't understand you, but I do!
Now you talk so tough, act so rough,
But darling you can't hide,
The heartache and the sadness,
That's buried deep inside.
Bagged Me a Homer
Lurleen: Oh the bases were empty on the diamond of my heart,
When the coach called me up to the plate,
I'd been swingin', and missin', at lovin' and kissin',
My average was point double oh eight.
So I spit on my hands, knocked the dirt from my spikes,
And pointed right towards centre field,
This time I'm hitting a home run,
This time the love is for real.
I'll slide... I'll steal... I'll sacrifice
A lovin' fly for you,
I been slumping all season but now I found a reason,
I struck on a love that is true.
I used to play the field,
I used to be a roamer,
But the season's turning 'round for me now,
I finally bagged me a homer.
That's right, I finally bagged me a Homer.
Bunk With Me Tonight
Lurleen: In this trailer, I get so cold and lonely,
Lying there awake at night, muttering if only
You weren't married, So I might ask you
To bunk with me tonight,
Bunk with me tonight, oh, bunk with me tonight,
I'm asking, will you bunk with me tonight.
Stand By Your Manager
Lurleen: His name is Homer, he's quite a man,
I tried to kiss him, but Homer ran.
Sure wish I could say, that I was his,
I hope that Marge knows, just how lucky she is.
Kamp Krusty Song
Campers: Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty,
By the shores of Big Snake Lake.
Though your swings are rusty,
We know they'll never break.
Kearney: Louder! Faster!
Campers: From your gleaming mess hall,
To your hallowed baseball field,
Your spic n' span infirmary,
Where all our wounds are healed.
Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty,
Below Mount Avalanche.
We will always love Kamp Krusty,
A registered trademark of the Krusty Corporation,
All rights reserved!
When the Fire Starts to Burn
Homer: When the fire starts to burn,
There's a lesson you must learn.
Something, something, then you see,
You'll avoid catastrophe!
D'oh!!!
Blimpy Boy
Homer: Hey there, blimpy boy, flying through the sky so fancy free...
(Homer sings this again later, much saddened after selling his Duff
blimp ride.)
Little Miss Springfield Pageant Opening Number
Contestants: Out on our own!
Making it work!
Gasping for air!
Having it all!
...
Checking it out!
Caring 'bout us!
Making a wish!
Dreaming a dream!
Krusty: Little Miss Springfield,
Which one will it be?
Contestants: Me!
Little Miss Springfield
Krusty: L, the losers in her wake,
I, the income she will make.
T is for her tooth-filled mouth,
T is for her tooth-filled mouth...
Homer's Baloney Song
Homer: My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R,
My baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R...
Tribute to Mr. Burns
Smithers: There is a man,
Chorus: There is a man!
Smithers: A certain man,
Chorus: A certain man!
Smithers: A man whose grace and handsome face
are known across the land.
You know his name,
Chorus: You know his name!
Smithers: It's Mr. Burns,
Chorus: It's Mr. Burns!
Smithers: He loves a smoke, enjoys a joke,
Burns & Chorus: Ah ha ha ha!
Smithers: Why he's worth ten times what he earns.
Chorus: He's Mr. Burns!
Burns: I'm Mr. Burns!
Smithers: He's Monty Burns!
Burns: I'm MR. Burns!
Smithers & Chorus: To friends he's known as Monty
but to you it's Mr. Burns!
Smithers: Bur-bur-bur-bur-Burns.
Burns: Burns!
Mr. Plow Jingle
Homer: Call Mr. Plow,
That's my name,
That name again
Is Mr. Plow.
Plow King Jingle
Linda Ronstadt: When the snow starts a-fallin'
There's a man you should be callin'
That's KL5-4796,
Let it ring!
Mr. Plow is a loser,
And I think he is a boozer,
Barney & Linda: So you better make that call to the Plow King!
Mr. Plow Rap
Homer: Boom-chi-cha-boom-chi-cha-boom-chi-boom
I'm Mr. Plow, and I'm here to say,
I'm the plowin'est guy in the USA.
I got a big plow and I'll move a lot of things,
Like your cow if you have one...
Plow King Jingle (Spanish version)
Linda Ronstadt: Senor Plow no es macho,
Es solamente un borracho...
Bad Cops
Bad cops, bad cops,
Bad cops, bad cops.
Bad cops, bad cops,
Bad cops, bad cops.
Springfield cops are on the take,
But what do you expect for the money we make?
Whether in a car or on a horse,
We don't mind using excessive force!
Bad cops, bad cops,
Bad cops, bad cops..
Flintstones Theme (Homer version)
Homer: Simpson! Homer Simpson!
He's the greatest guy in history,
From the, town of Springfield!
He's about to hit a chestnut tree!
Waaaah!
Monorail
Lyle Lanley: Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail!
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty+Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
[crowd chants `Monorail' softly and rhythmically]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud...
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Abe: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
All: Monorail!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken...
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
All: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
[big finish]
Monorail!
Homer: Mono... D'oh!
It's A Duff World
Animatronic Robots: Duff beer for me,
Duff beer for you,
I'll have a Duff,
You have one, too.
(repeat ad nauseam)
The Mediocre Presidents
All: We are the mediocre presidents.
You won't find our faces on dollars or on cents!
There's Taylor, there's Tyler,
There's Fillmore and there's Hayes.
There's William Henry Harrison,
Harrison: I died in thirty days!
All: We... are... the...
Adequate, forgettable,
Occasionally regrettable
Caretaker presidents of the U-S-A!
When I Was Seventeen
Homer: Well beer, we've had some great times.
[wistfully]
When I was seventeen,
I drank some very good beer,
I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake ID,
My name was Brian McGee,
I stayed up listening to Queen,
When I was seventeen.
Lisa's Protest Song
Lisa: Come gather 'round children,
It's high time ye learned,
'Bout a hero named Homer
And a devil named Burns.
We'll march till we drop,
The girls and the fellas,
We'll fight till the death
Or else fold like umbrellas.
So we'll march day and night,
By the big cooling tower,
They have the plant,
But we have the power.
Ned Flanders Show
Hens love roosters, geese love ganders,
Everyone else loves Ned Flanders!
Homer: Not me!
Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders!
Whacking Day Hymn
Chorus: O whacking day, o whacking day,
Our hallowed snake-skull cracking day.
Soprano: We'll break their backs,
Gouge out their eyes,
Their evil hearts,
We'll pulverise.
Chorus: O whacking day, o whacking day,
May God bestow His grace on thee.
The Gabbo Show
Gabbo: You're gonna like me,
You're gonna love me,
'Cause I can do most anything.
I can do the hully gully,
I can imitate Vin Scully!
(spoken)
Let's take time out from that triple play
for this message from Farmer Dan's Pure Pork
Sausages! Mmm, mmm...
I'll give out shiny dimes,
I'll travel back in time!
Dolls: You're gonna like him,
You're gonna love him,
It's the greatest show in to-ow-ow-ow-own!
Gabbo!
Al Capone's Vault
Homer: There was nothing in Al Capone's vault,
But it wasn't Geraldo's fault!
D'oh!
Baby on Board
B-Sharps: Baby on board, how I've adored,
That sign on my car's windowpane
A bounce in my step; loaded with pep,
'Cause I'm driving in the carpool lane.
Call me a square; friend, I don't care
That little yellow sign can't be ignored
I'm telling you it's mighty nice
Each trip's a trip to paradise
With my baby on board.
Surgeon-General C. Everett Koop
B-Sharps: For all the latest medical poop,
Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.
Poo poo pa-doop.
Revolution 8
Japanese Conceptual Artist: Number eight.
Barney: (belch)
Japanese Conceptual Artist: Number eight.
Barney: (belch)
Japanese Conceptual Artist: Number eight.
Barney: (belch)
Japanese Conceptual Artist: Number eight.
Barney: (belch)
Japanese Conceptual Artist: Number eight.
Barney: (belch)
Springfield, Springfield
Bart: OK, we're young, rich, and full of sugar.
What do we do?
Milhouse: [yelling] Let's go crazy, Broadway style!
Both: [singing]
Springfield, Springfield, it's a hell of a town:
The schoolyard's up and the shopping mall's down.
The stray dogs go to the animal pound,
Bart: Springfield, Springfield!
Milhouse: Springfield, Springfield!
Sailor: New York, New York!
Bart: New York is that-a-way, man!
Sailor: Thanks, kid!
Both: [singing] It's a hell of a...toooown!
Oh Mindy
Homer: Oh Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking,
But I sent you Ben-gay,
Oh Andy, you kissed me and stopped me from something,
And I...
Oh Margie
Homer: Oh Margie, you came and you found me a turkey,
On my vacation away from workie...
Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: You see, whether igloo, hut, or lean-to, or a geodesic
dome, There's no structure I have been to, which I'd
rather call my home.
When I first arrived, you were all such jerks,
But now I've come to looooooove your quirks.
Maggie with her eyes so bright,
Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright,
Lisa can philosophise, Bart's adept at spinning lies,
Homer's a delightful fella, sorry 'bout the salmonella.
Homer: Heh heh, that's OK.
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Now here comes the tricky part.
Oh, won't you rhyme with me?
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are stick-E-Mart,
Lisa: They made Dad sick-E-Mart,
Bart: Let's hurl a brick-E-Mart,
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'oh!
OFF: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...[held for next three lines]
OFF: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart,
Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart,
Who needs the Kwik-E-mart?
Apu: Not me.
Play it Cool
Homer: Dad, that will never work. If you want to make your
move, you got to play it...cool.
[jazz bass and cymbals start playing]
Now what you gotta do
If you wanna get a kiss
Is act real smooth
And make your move like this:
[stands up, stretches and yawns, and sits down again,
arm still outstretched so it lands around Abe's
shoulder]
Abe: Oh, I see!
So if I take your advice
And make your patented move,
Then my chances for love
Will slightly improve?
[does the Homer move]
Homer: [giggles] Now what's that rule?
Abe: Play it cool.
The Sound of Grampa
Hello Grampa, my old friend,
Your busy day is at an end.
Your exploits have been sad and boring,
They tell a tale that's worth ignoring.
When you're alone, the words of your story
Will echo down the rest-home hall,
'Cause no one at all,
Can stand the sound
Of Grampa.
KBBL Jingle
No sports, no rock, no information,
For mindless chatter, we're your station!
"Vote Quimby" Jingle
Without a Mayor Quimby, our town would really stink,
We wouldn't have a tire yard, or a mid-size roller rink.
We wouldn't have our gallows, or our shiny Bigfoot trap,
It's not the mayor's fault that the stadium collapsed!
Sherri & Terri's Skipping Song
Sherri & Terri: At seven tonight the games begin,
Bart vs. Lisa: who will win?
Their father's fat and their mother's thin,
And Grampa Simpson reeks of gin!
Abe: Hey! [sniffs himself] That's "Obsession" for men.
The Star-Spangled Banner (Krusty version)
Krusty: O say can you see,
By the da da da light,
What so proudly we laaaaah,
By the aaaah aaaah oh...
Shouldn't have turned down those cue cards. Oooooh...
Under the Sea
Homer: [funky calypso music]
Under the sea,
Under the sea,
There'll be no accusations,
Just friendly crustaceans
Under the Seeeeeeeeeeeeea!
Stone Cutters
All: Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!
Karl: Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Lenny: Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
Alien: We do! We do!
All: Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star?
We do! We do!
Skinner: Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Homer: Who rigs every Oscar night?
All: We do! We do!
Moe Better Booze
Moe: Money gets you one more round,
Drink it down,
You stupid clown.
Money gets you one more round,
Then you're out on your ass!
See My Vest
Burns: Some men hunt for sport,
Others hunt for food,
The only thing I'm hunting for,
Is an outfit that looks good...
See my vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better,
Than authentic Irish setter.
See this hat, 'twas my cat,
My evening wear - vampire bat,
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino.
Grizzly bear underwear,
Turtles' necks, I've got my share,
Beret of poodle, on my noodle
It shall rest,
Try my red robin suit,
It comes one breast or two,
See my vest, see my vest,
See my vest.
Like my loafers? Former gophers -
It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo
Would be best,
So let's prepare these dogs,
Mrs. Potts: Kill two for matching clogs,
Burns: See my vest, see my vest,
Oh please, won't you see my vest.
Hark To The Tale Of Nelson
Martin: Hark to the tale of Nelson,
And the boy he loved so dear...
They remained the best of friends,
For years and years and years.
Tito Puente's Revenge
Singer: Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song
Burns will always carry with him,
So I'll settle my score on the salsa floor,
With this vengeful Latin rhythm.
Chorus: Bu-urns!
Singer: Con un corrazon de perro.
Chorus: Senor Bu-urns!
Singer: El diablo con dinero.
It may not surprise you,
But all of us despise you,
Please die,
And fry,
In Hell,
You rotten,
Rich old wretch,
Adios viejo!
We Got You Babe
Maude Flanders: They say your folks can't pay the rent,
So we're watching you by act of government.
Ned Flanders: Well I don't know if the allegations are true,
But you got us, and baby we got you.
Both: Babe, we got you babe.
Bart's Soul Skipping Song
Sherri & Terri: Bart sold his soul, and that's just swell,
(& their souls) Now he's going straight to -
Hello operator, give me number nine,
and if you disconnect...
Just Don't Look
Paul Anka: To stop those monsters 1-2-3,
Here's a fresh new way that's trouble-free,
It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...
Lisa: Guarantee void in Tennessee.
Both: Just don't look! Just don't look!
Just don't look! Just don't look!
Just don't look! Just don't look!
Hey Big Spender
Homer: Hey big spender, dig this blender,
Rainbow suspenders, hey big spender!
Citizens: We surrender!
Homer: Speeeeeeend some dough at table three.
Table Five
(to the tune of "Staying Alive")
Homer: Ah ah ah ah Table Five, Table Five,
Ah ah ah ah Table Fiiii-i-i-iii-i-i-iii-i-i-ive,
Table Five, Table Five.
Jebediah Springfield Song {rl}
Hitch that team up, Jebediah Springfield,
Whip them horses, let them wagons roll,
That a people might embiggen America,
That a man might embiggen his soul,
His soul...
His soul...
I'm An Amendment
Kid: Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?
Amendment: I'm not garbage.
(starts singing)
I'm an amendment-to-be, yes an amendment-to-be,
And I'm hoping that they'll ratify me.
There's a lot of flag-burners,
Who have got too much freedom,
I want to make it legal
For policemen to beat'em.
'Cause there's limits to our liberties,
At least I hope and pray that there are,
'Cause those liberal freaks go too far.
(spoken)
Kid: But why can't we just make a law against flag-burning?
Amendment: Because that law would be unconstitutional.
But if we changed the Constitution...
Kid: Then we could make all sorts of crazy laws!
Amendment: Now you're catching on!
Kid: What if people say you're not good enough to be in the
Constitution?
(sings)
Amendment: Then I'll crush all opposition to me,
And I'll make Ted Kennedy pay.
If he fights back, I'll say that he's gay.
(spoken)
Congressman: Good news, Amendment! They ratified ya!
You're in the US Constitution!
Amendment: Oh yeah!
Dr. Zaius
Chimpanzee 1: Help! The human's about to escape.
Troy: Get your paws off me, you dirty ape!
Chimpanzee 2: (gasp) He can talk!
Orangutans: He can talk! He can talk! He can talk!
He can talk! He can talk! He can talk!
Troy: And I can sing!
Chimp Nurse: Oooh! Help me, Dr. Zaius!
Orangutans: Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
O, Dr. Zaius!
Orangutan 1: Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Troy: What's wrong with me?
Dr. Zaius: I think you're crazy.
Troy: I want a second opinion.
Dr. Zaius: You're also lazy.
Orangutans: Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
O, Dr. Zaius!
Orangutan 1: Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Troy: Can I play the piano any more?
Dr. Zaius: Of course you can!
Troy: Well I couldn't before.
(plays piano)
Orangutans: Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius!
...
Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Z
Troy: I hate every ape I see,
From chimpan-A to chimpanzee,
No, you'll never make a monkey out of me!
(Statue of Liberty rises)
O my God! I was wrong!
It was Earth, all along!
You've finally made a monkey,
Apes: Yes we've finally made a monkey,
Troy: Yes you've
& Apes: finally made a monkey out of me!
Troy: I love you, Dr. Zaius!
Skinner & the Superintendant
Skinner, with his crazy explanations,
The superintendant's gonna need his medication,
When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations,
There'll be trouble in town tonight!
Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel
Some folk'll never eat a skunk
But then again, some folk'll...
Like Cletus
The slack-jawed yokel.
...
Most folk'll never lose a toe
And then again, some folk'll...
Like Cletus
The slack-jawed yokel.
The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink
Frink: Professor Frink, Professor Frink,
He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think,
He likes to run, and then the thing,
With the... person...
Scorpio
Scorpio!
He'll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth.
Beware of Scorpio!
His twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world
And his employees' health.
He'll welcome you into his lair,
Like the nobleman welcomes his guest.
With free dental care and a stock plan that helps you invest!
But beware of his generous pensions,
Plus three weeks paid vacation each year,
And on Fridays the lunchroom serves hot dogs and burgers and beer!
He loves German beer!
The Spring In Springfield
Homer: You could close down Moe's,
Or the Kwik-E-Mart,
And nobody would care,
But the heart and soul
Of Springfield's in
Our Maison Derriere!
(music starts)
Belle: We're the sauce on your steak,
We're the cheese in your cake,
We put the spring in Springfield.
Dancing Girl 1: We're the lace on the nightgown,
Dancing Girl 2: The point after touchdown,
Belle and Dancing Girls: Yes we put the spring in Springfield.
Belle: We're that little extra spice
That makes existence extra-nice,
A giddy little thrill
At a reasonable price.
Lovejoy: Our only major quarrel's
With your total lack of morals.
Dancing Girl 3: Our skimpy costumes ain't so bad,
Dancing Girl 4: They seem to entertain your dad!
Belle and Dancing Girls: The gin in your martini,
The clams on your linguine,
Yes we keep the
(Belle flicks Bumblebee Man's antenna)
In Springfield!
Wiggum, Krusty, and Skinner: We remember our first visit,
Mayor Quimby: The service was exquisite!
Mrs Quimby: Why Joseph, I had no idea!
Mayor Quimby: Come on now, you were working here!
Grampa and Jasper: Without it we'd have had no fun
Since March of 1961!
Bart: To shut it down now would be twisted,
Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney: We just heard this place existed!
Dancing Girls: We're the highlights in your hairdo,
Apu: The extra arms on Vishnu,
Dancing Girls: So don't take the
(Barney opens a Krusty-in-the-box)
Mob: We won't take the
(Sideshow Mel blows on his slide-whistle)
Everyone: Yes let's keep the
(Moe crashes two garbage can lids together)
In Springfield!
(Krusty hits his face with a pie, Willy accidentally hits Lenny in the
head with a sledgehammer, Wiggum and the Comic Book Guy bounce their
bellies together, Burns honks the horn on his antique car, Cap'n
MacAllister reels in a fish, and Barney burps.)
Can I Borrow A Feeling?
Kirk Van Houten: Can I borrow a feelin'?
Could you send me a jar of love?
Hurtin' hearts need some healin',
Take my hand with your glove of love!
Minimum Wage Nanny
Lisa: If you wish to be our sitter,
Please be sweet and never bitter.
Help us with math and book reports,
Bart: Might I add - eat my shorts!
(spoken)
Lisa: Bart!
Bart: Just cuttin' through the treacle.
Lisa: If Maggie's fussy, dont avoid her,
Bart: Let me get away with moider!
Lisa: Teach us songs and magic tricks,
Homer: Might I add - no fat chicks!
(spoken)
Marge: Homer!
Lisa: The nanny we want is kindly and sage,
Homer: And one who will work for minimum wage.
Lisa: Hurry nanny, things are grim,
(spoken)
Grampa: I'll do it!
Bart & Lisa: Anyone but him.
Cut Every Corner
Shary: If there's a task that must be done,
Don't turn your tail and run,
Don't pout, don't sob,
Just do a half-assed job!
If... you... cut every corner
It is really not so bad,
Everybody does it,
Even mom and dad.
If nobody sees it,
Then nobody gets mad,
Bart: It's the American way!
Shary: The policeman on the beat
Needs some time to rest his feet.
Chief Wiggum: Fighting crime is not my cup of tea!
Shary: And the clerk who runs the store
Can charge a little more
For meat!
Apu: For meat!
Shary: And milk!
Apu: And milk!
Both: From 1984!
Shary: If... you... cut every corner,
You'll have more time for play,
Shary & OFF: It's the American waaaaay!
A Boozehound Named Barney
Shary: In front of a tavern,
Flat on his face,
A boozehound named Barney
Is pleading his case.
Barney: Buy me a beer,
Two bucks a glass.
Come on, help me,
I'm freezing my ass.
Buy me brandy,
A snifter of wine.
Who am I kidding?
I'll drink turpentine.
Moe: Move it, ya drunk,
Or I'll blast your rear end.
Barney: I found two bucks!
Moe: Then come in, my friend!
Shary: And so, let us leave
On this heartwarming scene.
Bart: Can I be a boozehound?
Homer: Not till you're fifteen.
Happy With Things The Way They Are
Homer: Around the house, I never lift a finger,
As a husband and a father, I'm sub-par.
I'd rather drink a beer
Than win father of the year,
I'm happy with things the way they are.
Lisa: I'm getting used to never getting noticed,
Bart: I'm stuck here till I can steal a car.
Marge: The house is still a mess,
And I'm going bald from stress,
Bart, Marge, & Lisa: But we're happy, just the way we are.
Ned: They're not perfect,
But the Lord says "Love thy neighbour."
Homer: Shut up, Flanders.
Ned: Okely-dokely-do.
Shary: Don't think it's sour grapes,
But you're all a bunch of apes,
And so I must be leaving you!
The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show
(Voice A is the normal theme song voice; voice B is a new dog-like voice.)
Voice A: They fight! And bite!
Voice B: And bark!
Voice A: They fight and bite and bite!
Voice B: And bark!
Voice A: Fight bite bark!
Voice B: Woof woof woof!
Voice A: The Itchy and Scratchy
And Poochie Show!
Poochie Rap
Poochie/Homer: The name's Poochie D
And I rock the telly,
I'm half Joe Camel
And a third Fonzarelli.
I'm the kung fu hippie
From gangsta city,
I'm a rappin' surfer,
You the fool I pity.
Visiting Springfield Prison
Krusty: I slugged some jerk in Tahoe,
They gave me one to three.
My high-priced lawyer sprung me
On a technicality.
I'm just visiting Springfield Prison,
I get to sleep back home tonight.
